


23 Things That Klaus Isn't Allowed to Do

by harmonia_bloom



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Family, Funny, Gen, Lists, One Shot, Sibling Love, Siblings, The Umbrella Academy (TV) Season 2 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:20:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25721215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harmonia_bloom/pseuds/harmonia_bloom
Summary: A list of 23 things that Klaus Hargreeves is forbidden to do.Watch out: Season 2 spoilers!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 156





	23 Things That Klaus Isn't Allowed to Do

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It's so nice to see you here! :)
> 
> I love the idea of creating fun lists, so I decided to bring one more to the collection. This time, with one of my favorite chaotic characters, Klaus Hargreeves. I tried not to write anything too absurd and out of character for Klaus, because, despite being a very funny character, he is also a bit shy and worries about his siblings' feelings.
> 
> If you want a part 2, let me know!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Klaus Hargreeves isn't allowed to:

1\. Hide Diego's knives on the grounds that children should not carry sharp objects.

2\. Insinuate that Luther came from the Planet of the Apes.

3\. Eat all the dessert before dinner and claim that it is Ben's fault.

4\. Discuss with strangers the topic "Five's sexual orientation".

5\. And point out that the English lexicon lacks a word that represents sexual attraction to mannequins.

6\. Sleep drunk in Allison's bed.

7\. Sleep drunk in Five's bed.

8\. Sleep drunk in any bed other than his.

9\. Ask Allison to rumor the owner of the neighborhood liquor store to give him a year of free alcohol.

10\. Make Claire believe that the monkeys at the Zoo are related to Luther.

11\. Or to Diego.

12\. Ask if Vanya could play the smallest violin in the world.

13\. Self-proclaiming the male version of Lana del Rey.

14\. And ask Five to be his Daddy.

15\. Request that Vanya play the Funeral March every time he uses his own powers.

16\. Ruining Diego's party flirtations by throwing himself in his arms and calling him "my man".

17\. Calling Ben his "free personal therapist".

18\. Use Allison's cell phone to contact Antonio Banderas.

19\. Take Five to buy clothes and ask him to rank the mannequins from "meh" to "MILF" (Mannequin I'd Like to F*ck).

20\. Propose an intervention to discuss the sexual tension between Allison and Luther.

21\. Propose an intervention so that Five wash his uniform.

22\. Contact a lawyer to sue The Sixth Sense screenwriters for not crediting him for the story of the boy who sees dead people.

"Did Klaus really want to sue those screenwriters?", Five asked as Allison finished writing the list.  
"Actually, he wanted to sue the actor who plays the little boy, but he gave up when he realized that Bruce Willis might not like that", Vanya replied, with a chuckle. "He has a crush on Bruce, you know".

Suddenly, a bell rang over the Hargreeves' residence.

"Yes?", Luther spoke loudly, from inside the house.

"Is this where the great prophet Klaus lives?", a short and anxious figure asked at the door. "I saw that he is offering words of wisdom and tantric sex sess-"

With a sigh, Allison went over the list again.

23\. Klaus is strictly prohibited from starting (another) cult.


End file.
